How to Ask a Friend to Return an Item They Borrowed

When you lend a friend an item of yours, sometimes you never get it back. The item is 'forgotten', or just kept as a gift because it is so well-liked. It is difficult to just go over and ask your friend for it back. The problem is that when you lend your favorite item (for example, a DVD) and you want to watch it, you might end up not asking for it, or just buying a new one, rather than asking for it back. This article suggests though, that you might do well to try and ask for it back: Most of the time you'll probably find that your friend really just forgot!

[edit] Steps

  1. Go to your friend's house, act as if it is a purely social call, and eventually get around to talking about the movie that is on the DVD; or about something related to your loaned item.
  2. The borrowed DVD
    The borrowed DVD
    When calmly talking about it, act as if you had forgotten it, and then mention that you had a DVD of that movie once. Or that you used to have a coat like the one that you're discussing, or a book by that author or a necklace that had a cat on it too etc. For this to work, however, the object must be in sight and perhaps even able to be picked up by you.
  3. Say, "You know what, I think this one is mine! Did I leave it here?"
  4. Continue talking about the movie and DVD. Ask, "Could I borrow it back? I really want to watch it again." Or "Could I have it back? I really want to wear it again as it goes with this season's colors!" etc. Your friend will have to give in, and you'll have your possession back in no time.
  5. Be less subtle if this tactic doesn't work. Just ask. If you can't see it, touch it or refer to it subtly and you are 100% certain that you loaned it your friend, be bold and come out with your request. Say that you'd like it back after such a long time and that you think your friend has had a lot of time to use it/view it/play with it etc. Be gentle but firm and ask if he or she has finished with it now because you'd like it back. If you are only 50% sure they have, don't be rude. Just casually ask "Today, I remembered I let someone borrow my (insert item here). Just wondering, was it you? Because I really would like to get it back. Just thought I'd ask." If they are a real friend, they'd Just say "Oh, yeah! I'll go get that right now, for you. Sorry!" or if they don't have it they'll say "No, I didn't borrow it. If I did, I am almost positive I returned it. But, if you can't find it, I'll look."


[edit] Tips

  • Don't accuse your friend of not returning it on purpose unless you feel there is no other way to get your property back.
  • Even then, evaluate whether the friendship is more valuable than the item. If the item can easily be replaced, then rather than risk losing a friend, buy it again and forget about your friend returning it.
  • Be upfront when you loan things in future. Give a deadline of a short period of time and don't let this deadline pass without following up on the item you have loaned. Even if your friend wants it for a while longer, at least they will remain aware that you expect the item back.
  • Recognize that different people respond to different communication styles. Some people just don't pick up on hints so simply bringing up the borrowed item in conversation will not be enough. On the other hand, some people may be offended by directness and feel that you are attacking them. Know your friends and respect their communication styles.


[edit] Warnings

  • Sometimes friends are too scared to return something because they have damaged it somehow or maybe they've lost it. Be aware that this may be the case and be ready to forgive them. If it had been so important and valuable to you in the first place, you shouldn't have given it to them as this is always a possibility.


    • If a "friend" is good enough to lend something you trust will come back to you, you let the issue go, if not, you should not have loaned it in the first place.
    • If you choose to lend an item, make a note of it in the borrower's presence, and suggest a return date that you also record, along with the borrower's phone number. When the return date is up, the borrower is not surprised to get a call about the item, and should be promptly forthcoming with your item. A friend has a list on the front of her refrigerator when she "gifts" someone with a gift of food, and the container that the food held, along with the date the food was given. She has a record, but more than that, the recipient knows that there is a record, and is quick to return the container, often with a gift of her own.


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Categories:Handling Friendship Problems

Authors

Zainab, Ben Rubenstein, Axiom, Anonymous, Sondra C, Zack, Nicole Willson, Flickety, Dave Crosby, Daniel H, Richard, Gloriawk55, Createdtocreate, Team Tommervik
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 8,868 times.

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