How to Flatulate Secretively (Teenagers)

If you ever get that urge to fart (flatulate), but you're in public, then read this and perhaps it will help you out when that special moment comes around.

[edit] Steps

In the Classroom

  1. Try to get up and go to the pencil sharpener, and while you are sharpening your pencil loudly, try to fart as silently as you can. As soon as you flatulate, be sure to walk away fast because you don't want the fumes to get stuck to your clothes. But also make sure that the smell doesn't follow you.
  2. Always get a seat with a "puffy" soft surface. Not like a wood chair but like your couch. Being in this seats like that will reduce a lot the risk of a sounding fart. If you cant get a seat like that, sit on your sweater or jacket.
  3. Put your weight on one of your buttocks and lean in the same direction as your buttock (ex. put your weight on your right buttock and lean to the right). This separates your buttocks and makes your fart silent. You could drop your pencil on the floor and reach for it so you don't look weird leaning to the left or right in your chair. Caution: The smell will go to the opposite direction you are leaning in, so aim your fart to an empty area.

While Hanging Out

  1. Pretend you need to step out for a minute, and fart somewhere where no one is. If your friends are really spirited, then you can probably fart in front of them and they will accept it.

While Taking a Test

  1. Try to flatulate as gently as possible. Because you are in a tough situation.
  2. Fart LOUD and be PROUD, because your classmates will thank you for the disruption. Try to use this newfound distraction to take a quick glance at your other classmates' tests.

On a Roller coaster

  1. Wait for the drop where everyone is screaming. While everyone is loudly screaming, you may rip a tasty one. Also, no one will smell this because you are moving so fast.

On an elevator

  1. Timing is critical in this situation.
  2. Be sure to emit only small bursts as floors are reached and the electronic indicator emits the beeping noise.
  3. You may also be able to make use of the time during which the doors are opening and closing, depending on the condition of the elevator and how loud this function may be.
  4. Be sure to show subtle signs of disgust as if the people who have entered the elevator are those who are emitting a foul smell.
  5. If all else fails, get the heck out of the elevator and take the stairs!

While Shopping

  1. Go to an empty aisle and let it rip, then get out of there as fast as you can. Stand at the end of the aisle and laugh at the faces of the people going up or down the aisle you flatulated in.
  2. Lean over, let it rip, and then blame the nearest person.

In the Car

  1. If you can't help it, and are sitting in a moving car/bus/train, try to open the window before you fart, this way the smell should go out the window quickly.

While Eating lunch

  1. Laugh as loudly as you can and get the whole table going while you secretly let one rip.
  2. Or get everyone to start a clapping contest to see who can clap loudest.
  3. Or start a farting contest.

In The Pool

  1. If you have to flatulate in the pool your best bet is to GET OUT OF THE POOL.
  2. You can also splash to hide those rising bubbles.
  3. Dive to the bottom of the deep end and then swim away before the bubbles reach the surface.
  4. Quickly head to the jacuzzi, where you can fart unnoticed.

In the Library

  1. If you have the urge to exhort your deadly fumes while you're in the quiet sanctuary of a library, you might be screwed. Your first choice is to get into a book aisle that is NOT occupied by any human beings. If you can do that, you're golden.
  2. In a situation in which there are people everywhere, try to secretly release bits of your toxins as you walk on by.
  3. Your next option is to walk by the librarian's desk and release, if you're heard, point towards the person behind the desk. They'll look clueless, which may save you from a terrible embarrassment.
  4. Or, you could just be smart and lock yourself in a bathroom stall to relieve yourself.


[edit] Tips

  • If you are next to a group of people that are talking loudly and don't seem to be paying any attention to you, then feel free to flatulate, but make sure you leave the area soon afterwards or else people will get suspicious.
  • Always make sure that whenever you flatulate, you let them out long and silently.
  • Another tip is if you need to fart, try to do something that makes a lot of noise and fart while you are doing that.
  • Relax... Tensing up is what makes a lot of farts come out ugly. Take a deep breath and wait for it. You should know when the time is right.
  • Go with it! If you are about to let one rip, and you can tell it's going to be loud, you can't control it, and there's no where to go, try to push it out as loudly as possible, and laugh while you do it. Then, everyone will be laughing with you, not at you.
  • If you fart when you are sitting down, make sure to lean back in your seat. If you hunch over, it will make a loud snapping noise that everyone in the immediate area will hear, and everyone will know where it came from.
  • Sometimes if you hold it in, and you flatulate a bit later, it might become silent.
  • A vibration can occur if ones buttocks are pressed too firmly against a hard unyielding surface and the particles will often reverberate off it leaving a pleasurable sensation for the farter but a not so pleasurable noise and sound.


[edit] Warnings

  • Once in a great while you will flatulate and you can't control it. Just hope its not a noticeable one.
  • The worst type of flatulation you can do is when you are sitting on a chair and let out a fart really fast. It WILL be loud and disgusting, and people WILL laugh at you. ALWAYS make sure you do your releasing of gas as silently and as long as you can.
  • If you are going to flatulate, and you KNOW you're going to blame someone, don't blame your pets, because others will just be disgusted.
  • Never force a fart if you're sitting at a school desk. The sound will not only echo off the seat, but it will resonate throughout the storage area beneath the seat, like that of a bass drum, ensuring that everyone in the room will hear it.
  • If it won't come out when you need it to, don't push to hard or you might end up up pooping in your pants (it has happened before!)
  • If you flatulate towards a passer-by it could result in loss of limb and this is an illegal offense
  • If swallowed a fart can be both dangerous and painful
  • Farting in a bath may be highly pleasurable but just make sure you don't take in water up your anus as one does it


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